This is the parachute

Have you ever sat down with someone and had a conversation, but it didn't turn out to be one of substance because it was just a surface one. You didn't talk of anything important, just discussed stuff, you left feeling like you missed an opportunity to connect. Even when you detect the other person had something more meaningful to talk about, even when you could sense that need, the conversation never went there. We are all too busy sometimes putting on facades that our lives are perfect and that we are coping just fine.

What would happen if we sat down and opened our hearts? What would happen if we really said how we were feeling, opened up about our greatest fears in life? What if we weren't scared of being ridiculed, what if we felt we had nothing to lose? What if all we had to lose was junk?

What would I say if I was to really tell you how I was? What would you say? I might say "Well more often than not I'm really lonely but don't want company, I swing violently between loving my daughter with wild abandonment to sometimes thinking that life was better before her, quite often I wake and don't want my day to start and then the next I laugh at how I could possibly think that and marvel at the beauty of the day that awaits me. I have a not so perfect relationship with my husband and lately I've been having chocolate for breakfast. Sometimes I have flashes of motivation but often it all feels too hard and all a little too late. I would say how scared I am of time ticking by and never knowing the real me. I would say that as postive as I try to be sometimes I deliberately like to wallow in my self loathing. It's often where I think I deserve to be and I see everything and nothing unhealthy about that all at once. I would say that sometimes I feel that I'm doing it all wrong, prioritising everything arse up. I'm scared of regrets, of missing important conversations and of relishing the not so important people and conversations in my life, but mostly I'm scared of not having the ability to know the difference. I often feel alone in a room full of people and I don't know if it's because I'm in the wrong room.

If your still reading this because your curious then great keep reading. If your still reading because your here to see the fall then fuck off from my page. This isn't falling, this is the parachute that keeps me here. If your still reading because you believe in true, real people and connections in your life then I love you. Real things in life are not always beautiful. I want real, beautiful, ugly, endangered, hopeful souls here.

The more I open my heart to people, the more I am convinced that life is equal parts brutal and beautiful. Sharing this duality is what makes us feel less alone and afraid. Life is hard-not because we're always doing it wrong, just because it's hard. I'm learning its ok to feel this, it's ok to share this or write about it. 

Maybe life gets really good when we remove all of the layers of protection we've built around our hearts and walk out into the open naked.

Guilt. Such a dirty word...

Guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt!!!!! So sick of this feeling of guilt. So sick of this word. Maybe if I write about it here it will somehow disipate. It follows me everywhere. I wake up and it's one of the first things my mind remembers. That's right it says, your Tysha the guilty one. It doesn't even have to be for a reason anymore. It's almost like I carry you around with me like a permanent  tattoo. One that you thought about getting, got it, and then wished it away, only to find that this shit is harder to get rid of then you first thought.

When does the guilt start? Is it triggered by an event or by how someome else make us feel? Is it brought on by the decisions we make, that feel ok at the time but we regret after. When did we start even entertaining the idea of guilt?

Guilt imobolizes us. It's a dead end. How does it serve us and why is it so hard to be rid of? It's almost like it's ingrained in us especially as woman and I've found even more so as a mother to feel guilty over everything!! Here's an example of my inner dialogue; (warning! going here may hurt your brain lol) #I've got so much to do today and look at my baby over there playing all day by herself. She's only going to be this little for a while you know? You should spend more time with her. Yes I know but what about all the shit I have to do, what about me? #I won't go the gym this morning because she seems tired. You really shouldn't drag her around when she needs her sleep you know. What kind of mother are you? Putting yourself first again I see? At the expense of your child hmmm but if I don't go to the gym I will go backwards in everything I've worked so hard for. You remember all that work and hours that you put into it, all those hours spent away from her. So you just going to waste it are you?....see what I mean? Exhausting isn't it. I don't think I'm alone in this one. Do you also find that you have to guilt yourself into doing things. It's like my brain and body run on guilt mode these days. How draining is that! Ggrrr there has to be a better way!

Fuck guilt I say! Fuck anyone who even tries to make you feel that way. It's usually the ones closest to us that makes us feel this, which makes it even harder to let go. We reason that these people know us so there must be a grain of truth in it. Sighhh I'm exhausted just writing this.

You know what? It's OK to feel this way. It is. It's OK to let go now and then. Why do we feel we must berrate ourselves so? It's OK! I get sick of this internal fight sometimes. It's ok to eat the wrong types of foods for a while. It's OK to go on holidays, eat the wrong types of foods and not exercise sometimes. It's called being human. Keep saying it. It's OK. It's Ok until you start to believe it. The world will not implode. It's the guilt afterwards that lingers and makes it hard to keep trucking. It's all the 'who cares' and the 'so what's' that we say to ourself to help justify the bad decisions, to make them sit ok with ourselves that hurt us.  That's where we come unstuck. That's how we get immobilised.

Banish guilt forever I say. It doesn't serve you in any positive way. I have to keep telling myself that I'm worthy of the time I need to spend on me. Time I WANT to spend on me. Everybody wins really. I'll go home and I'll be a happier mum and wife after I take care of me. Spending time on myself creates a positive role model for my baby. I want her to grow and value herself. I want her to always feel worthy of every opportunity that helps better herself in life.

OK rant over. haha thanks for listening :)

There's always a reason if we're game enough to examine ourselves a little closer...

Ok well the stats are in, yet again. I just had a dexa scan done as planned, with it being 3 months since my last one. The goal was to lose some body fat while trying out how being in a nutritional state of ketosis panned out for me (see post "Body composition progress at 12 months"). I wanted to test and measure accurately for the three months and a body composition scan is a perfect way to do that. It measures your body fat, muscle mass and bone density even giving you a breakdown of the percentages in different areas of your body. It's a really good way to gain an accurate snapshot of where your at.

So the results are that I lost 1% body fat and gained 3 kilos of muscle. If I had jumped on the scales and seen an increase of 3 kilos I would of freaked. A body composition analysis takes all the guess work out. It's been a good gain, muscle mass is going to work in my favour, keeping my metabolism chugging along nicely. With regards to my body fat the aim was to lose closer to 3%. I didn't reach my goal there but there's a reason for that. There's always a reason if we're game enough to examine ourselves a little closer.

I truthfully found maintaining a nutritional level of ketosis quiet difficult. I made sure I tested and measured each day to see what my readings were and I have to come clean that I stuck to the plan only for the 1st month. The rest of the time I was in and out of it. My main downfall was letting the sugar monster back in. I find it really hard to keep to moderation when it comes to sugar. It tends to be an all or nothing approach for me. I find it really addictive and have to make a concerted effort to wean it back out of my diet. I also found it easy enough to eat enough fat but found it hard to keep my protein low enough.

Another issue for me was that I had holidays booked. As much as I love holidays they tend to give me a little anxiety as I hate the feeling of losing control over my routine as well as my training and nutrition. It tends to freak me out a little bit. I know when I'm out of my environment my usually good habits tend to wane and I get a bit down on myself. So I think I do a bit of self sabotaging beforehand.The thought of having to fight off that sugar monster again was all too much, especially when I was only going to let him back on holidays anyway...see the pattern of poor thinking...

I'm not telling you all of this to give myself excuses or get myself off the hook. I'm not here to impress you, I'm here to connect with you. I want to be as real as I possibly can in telling you my struggles and successes. This shit is hard. Day in and day out, it's hard to keep your focus and remember why we do the things we do. I could sit here and tell you that I did exactly as I had planned and it was piss easy and lie to mysef and you, but truth be told, I slipped up this time. I took the road that I warn my clients against. I took the road of all or nothing. Ok so you have a shit day, you shouldn't let one bad decision blow out into a bad day and then blow out into a bad few days and before you realise it's become a bad week. Guilt gets the better of you. Every decision you make everyday of the week becomes you.

What I got out of this experiment was a direct correlation to what I put into it. I can't complain nor delude myself that I should of got better results. I think too many times we give ourselves the easy road and let ourselves off the hook. You can't do things half arsed and expect a stellar result, end of story and that applies throughout every facet of your life. You cant give 100% one day then 50% the next and think it doesn't count. It all counts, every single decision you make counts. You have to assess whether treating yourself with a treat meal after you've eaten so good all week is really worth it? How is it a treat if it just sabotages all your efforts?

Doing this scan when I knew that less than desirable results would come was good for me. The results weren't bad but they were not what I initially set out to get and that's hard for me to come to terms with and even harder for me to share it with you. There was definitely some positives too. I did achieve that goal of 120kg back squat and all in all my training felt good. Another positive is I regained that 3 kilos of muscle mass that I lost before. I can't be sure whether it was purely training related or due to more carbs being in my diet. I didn't plan my carbs around my training, they were just incidental. That is something I will experiment with though.

This has reinforced for me and hopefully for some of you out there what it takes to make real progress. It's also reminded me why I choose to eat well in the first place. It makes me feel good, helps me train well and to me that's the most important thing. Of course losing body fat is a bonus but this experiment has been a reminder that at the end of the day I want to fuel my body so that I can get the most out of it to do what I love to do and that's to train up a storm. Moving forward I will get back to basics and not focus on the body fat component of my journey so much but on basic clean eating, cutting out sugar and making sure I fuel up for training. Body composition results will naturally stem from there.

I know myself well enough to know that a pursuit of purely body composition won't get me to the gym twice a day. It used to be easier without a baby, but now just getting there is hard. Sure I want to look good in a bikini like everyone else but at the end of the day I need a bigger driving force and everyones will be different.

Like I tell all my clients, you have to have clear set goals. You have to have that voice in your head that reminds you why you want success when temptation comes by. Sticking to the plan some of the time won't get you to those goals. Thinking 'its all too hard' or 'whatever I do I can't lose weight' won't work either. None of us are perfect and we all struggle with the same things a lot of the time. We have to get honest with ourselves. Deep down we all know what our outcomes will be because sometimes we impose on ourselves self limiting beliefs. We've already set ourselves up to either succeed or fail from the get go. Believe me when I tell you that you can do it! You can! Put the true effort in and the results will come, always. That I can promise you.

You know what? Your life is happenning right now. As I sit here writing this, my baby Jetta is running around at her grandmas having fun maybe wondering where mummy is or maybe not? Time is ticking by whilst we sit and complain about what we don't have yet or what it is we are striving for. Make it count. Don't waste any more time on negativity. We have to just get in and do it! Time doesn't wait for us. How many more 'starting again on Mondays' will it take for you to start the new phase of your life? What will it all mean in the end? Make sure that goal is worthy of you, worthy of your time and your efforts, and most importantly enjoy the journey.

Hope

House of the Virgin Mary

A friend asked me the other day if I believed in miracles and I didn't know how to answer. That was until I sat down and thought about it some more. I hope you, my dear friend will read this because I've decided that I do. Miracles are everywhere. They are happening each day to us all and we fail to see them for what they are.

To me a miracle is meeting the people you meet at times of your life when you need them the most. I truly believe that what ever life throws at you you always are given the tools to deal with it and come out the other side a better person. I can think back over my life and see that. At each transition or struggle there was a special person that helped me, gave me the courage, the helping hand etc that I needed. I can only think of one time in my life that I felt truly alone, with no help that I needed desperately, but you know what? I am stronger for it.

I believe in a higher being. I'm not sure if it's god or maybe it doesn't really matter who it is that me or you believe in so long as we have faith in something. I don't know why I was alone when I needed that help. Maybe I wasn't and that makes me think back to a poem that used to hang in my Nan's kitchen about God and foot prints being in the sand. In the poem a man asks God why he left him in his time of need. He said that he couldn't see Gods footsteps in the sand next to him in his darkest moment and God replied that he had carried him and would never leave him. Maybe that explains it, I don't know and it really doesn't mater because I know that everything we experience, be it good or bad is for a reason. We may not know why, and we might never, yet I believe that when there is pain, there is art, that's what it becomes. It becomes beauty if we let it. Maybe by experience we can help someone else through theirs.

I also see a miracle in birth. It truly is a miracle that I have a part of me and my husband in my arms each night. Where did she come from? That's amazing to me.

I have also felt divinity. I was visiting Esphesus in Turkey and were going to a site that was supposedly the last resting place of the Virgin Mary. I didn't know what to expect of it. It was a little chapel that we were lining up to get into. It used to be her house and was reduced to rubble but the walls had been recently rebuilt and was now a church/ shrine to her for visitors to go and see. I walked in and immediately felt I could of dropped to my knees and prayed. Such was the affect of entering that room. I felt her pure love in that room. I felt her sacrifice. The air felt thick with emotion.

I've been to beautiful churches on my travels. St Peters Basilica, St Pauls Cathedral, The Blue Mosque in Turkey, and numerous others but none have moved me the way this simple sandstone dwelling moved me. Yes, they were all beautiful and had a certain sense of divinity but they were not miraclous. Could it be the final resting place of Mary? I truly don't know but I know that place had an affect on me. It made my world stop. I left the church and the air I breathed smelt fresher, the sky more blue, the flowers in the garden meant something more after that moment.

It's all the little miracles that we experience each day that mean something. They equal life. Why do we think we need a big miracle to happen to believe in ourselves, or that something or someone amazing is watching over us. We watch over each other. It's apparent in each of our daily struggles and in the fact that we survive them.

So that's what I would say if I was back in that moment when you asked if I believe I miracles. I would say that yes, of course I do. The fact that I was standing there with you at that moment is a miracle. Maybe me answering yes will offer you in this moment, what I have been lucky enough to have over and over in my life when I have asked for divine intervention...hope.

You are never lost...

Any time you get ‘off track’ with a feeling: sad, mad, confused, etc., know that there is nothing that you are seeking. You are never lost. All you have to do is let your ‘you’ come back out. Dissolve the feelings of inadequacy and know that they are an illusion.- Stirling Gardner

I believe in magic...

In case you ever forget how deep my love is for you know this...you are my reason to exist. Your giggle makes me believe in magic. I love you xx

Bec's story

Whether you stand to lose 6kg or 60kgs like Bec, her story can inspire you and give you hope. There is always a way. Bec hopes that by sharing her story she can help inspire others to make positive changes too. Thank you for sharing your story Bec. It's sure to help others along there journey. You see, that's what happens when you have success, you want to spread the word. You want to lift everyone up and say, 'see if I can do it, so can you!'

A few things stand out for me in Becs' story. One is her motivation. It's her big 'Why?' You see most of us have certain goals. We want to lose 5 kilos, we want a flatter stomach etc. but I think to achieve real success there's needs to be a bigger reason why you want those goals. Bec's big reason 'Why' was her daughter. Her reason to make a change to her health was for her daughters benefit. Her main source of motivation stemmed from love :) how great is that. How fantastic is it that Bec's such a positive role model for her daughter. What greater gift can you give someone. 

I've always loved training Bec. She's never missed a training session and works so hard. Each one she turns up to with a smile on her face, knowing that with each day she was getting closer to her goals and most importantly enjoying the journey. It's been amazing being a part of your journey Bec. I feel so privileged being able to work with you to help achieve your goals. Thank you for giving me so much credit, but it's you that's put in all the hard work and you deserve all the success. I'm so proud of you and I just know that you'll make a difference in so many lives by sharing your story and with your new career as a food coach. Keep on being you and keep on being awesome. xx

Enjoy Bec's story...

Growing up I was always overweight, I can't even remember a time that I wasn't.

You always hear people say, "I don't know how I let myself get so big" but I won't say that because I know exactly how I managed to get that big.

Apart from playing netball there was no other physical activities that I par took in. Put it simply I was lazy. Even at netball I was a lazy player. I mainly played Goal Shooter and that didn't require much moving around.

It also didn't help that I loved my food, and I certainly wasn't eating a lot of healthy foods either. Lollies, chips, chocolates,soft drink, hot chips, basically anything that was bad for you and that contained a large amount of sugar I indulged in it.

Probably my first "attempt", and I use that word loosely as it wasn't my choice, at weight loss was towards the end of primary school when my mum signed me up to weight watchers. That, however, didn't last long. I just didn't want to do it and didn't think I needed to.

Over the years I would lose some weight, nothing significant, but would end up putting it back on plus some more. In my mind I wasn't ready to try and lose the weight and the more people, i.e my mum, told me I had to, the more I was against it.

I think the biggest habit I got myself into was not eating breakfast and most days lunch, then just gorge on whatever I could get my hands on when I got home from school. Plus there was a lot of soft drink and little, if any, water.

Looking back on it now I can definitely say I was an emotional eater. I'm not, nor have I ever been, the most confident person. Although at times it wouldn't appear that way because I could hide behind the fat girl who didn't care. I usually wouldn't give away too much in terms of emotions and was quite guarded, so I'd bury my emotions in food.

Another factor in my emotional eating was my mum and her desire for me to lose the weight. I would get upset that I wasn't the daughter she wanted so I would eat. I know she was only concerned for me and wanted me to be healthy but at the time I didn't want to hear it. The more she tried to talk reason, the more I would eat. This became a vicious cycle that went on for years. 

After I had my daughter I guess I fell into a bit of depression. I would have anxiety attacks just trying to walk out the front door, so yet again I turned to food and hid my feelings behind eating.

I never really had that lightbulb moment, that defining moment that clicked and set me off on my weight loss journey. For me it happened over a couple of months. My daughter had started walking at 8 months and was getting to be extremely active. So the decision to lose weight became easier because now my daughter relied on me to be fit and healthy.

The changes started out small to begin with. I started eating breakfast and would take my daughter for walks everyday. Just by making these couple of changes the weight started to come off.

Over the next few years my walks became longer, I was eating regular meals and trying to reduce the unhealthy snacks and soft drinks. My nutrition and probably my portion sizes still weren't the best but the weight was coming off. I had roughly lost 30kg in those few years and decided it was time to step it up and the only way I knew how to do that was to join a gym.

Even though I had lost this weight and I was feeling fitter and healthier, I still lacked in confidence so the only logical gym for me to join was an all female gym where I would at least feel comfortable enough to train at. So in 2011 I joined Fernwood.

I will admit that to begin with my motivation for going to the gym was the fact that I was paying a membership fee. It felt like a chore and I was just going through the motions and not really pushing myself.

That was until I met Tysha.

The day I met Tysha was the beginning of the new me.

Tysha took over as my trainer a few months after I had joined the gym when my original trainer left Fernwood and I have never looked back. She made me realise that I was capable of doing things I never thought possible. Because of Tysha and her training I discovered how much I actually enjoyed going to the gym and working out. It no longer felt like a chore and my motivation wasn't just the membership fee anymore. I was going to the gym because it made me feel good and I was enjoying my time there.

Tysha's training sessions were hard and they definitely pushed me but having Tysha believe that I could do it made me more determined, more motivated to prove to both myself and Tysha that I could actually do it.

I gained a lot confidence from my training with Tysha and decided that I would enter the 8 week challenge the gym had running. I felt it would be a good way to improve my fitness with the added boot camp sessions on top of my regular pt sessions with Tysha. I was also entitled to food coaching sessions and felt this could be a huge benefit to me as I could understand more about good nutrition.

Seeing the food coach really helped and made me aware of the bad nutrition choices I was making. I learnt a lot from these sessions and managed to implement changes to my diet.

During the 8 week challenge I had lost 3.5kg and managed to lose 46cm all over, which won me the award for most centimetres lost. I never expected to be in contention for any of the awards, as I was using the challenge as a way to improve my fitness, so I was quite shocked when it happened.

Since joining the gym I have lost another 30kg and feel fitter and healthier than I have ever been.

Most of the credit for my transformation has to go to Tysha. Words cannot express my gratitude for what she has done in helping me to get to where I am today.

Like I said before, the day I met Tysha was the beginning of the new me. She is definitely someone I look up to, respect and aspire to be like. It's because of Tysha that I realised I wanted to get into the fitness industry. Her motivation, passion, knowledge, patience and belief in me made it possible for me to achieve what I have already.

I would, and still do, get nervous before a training session with Tysha because I knew it would be hard and that it would challenge me. And as always I would leave feeling fantastic and with a sense of accomplishment. 

Tysha has helped me both physically and mentally. And although I'm still not that overly confident person, she has gotten me to see myself differently and recognise the changes I have made to my overall health and fitness. She has made me realise that I am now a good role model for my daughter and with the changes I've made through diet and exercise I am setting a good example for her.

I will admit though I still have my struggles and my days when I still see myself as the girl who was 60kg heavier but I know I just have to keep reminding myself of how far I've come and what I've already achieved and that I'm not that person anymore. 

When I first started training with Tysha I hated training in front of the mirrors and felt so uncomfortable seeing my reflection but it's now something I've gotten use to and it doesn't even phase me anymore seeing my reflection in front of me.

If someone had have said to me five years ago that I would lose 60kg and that I would become a gym enthusiast I would have said, "Yeah right" and just laughed.

I probably would have said the same thing if someone had have said to me two years ago that I would end up working at the gym.

Well here I am 60kg lighter and working at Fernwood as a food coach. I am the fittest, healthiest and happiest I have ever been. And now when I'm stressed, angry, upset I turn to the gym instead of turning to food.

I'm at a stage now that I know if I have a setback and can't train for an extended period that I will be ok because my nutrition is fairly spot on and if I do treat myself I know when to stop and not to overindulge. I have worked really hard to get to this point and I'm not willing to give it up so easily.

Hopefully my weight loss journey is able to inspire others and reaffirm to those doubting themselves, that yes it is achievable. I won't lie it is hard work and at times very challenging but once you're in the right mind set and committed to the journey it is definitely worth it and the end results speak for themselves.