In my body first

Funny how it comes about this feeling. I can be walking down the street, or buying a coffee, or even doing the dishes and I feel it. Sometimes even the smell of you on another walking past is enough to do it. It becomes me. I feel it in my body first, then it pierces my heart. Always in my body first. The mind cannot be trusted. The mind will tell you it has forgotten, while the body, the body will never lie. I want to drop to my knees and pray. Right in that very spot.

What would life be if the body never remembered. Just another day of coffee, weather, waking up and going to sleep. It would be cheating me of the memory of you, robbing me of the beauty that was. I want to thank you for giving me these snapshots of my life. Thank you for allowing this rewind of time for a fleeting moment.

I can't recall our last words. I try and try but I can't remember. I can't remember all the details of all those stories you told me which I thought were oh so irrelevant at the time. I wish I had a tape recorder in my mind so I could replay the sound of your voice.

I wish I could keep the smell of you alive. I have you all sealed up in a zip lock bag in my room. Your fabric jewellery case that smells of you. I open it up and I have you for another moment. Memories of love. A mix of musk, lavender and love. I try not to open that bag too often for fear that your smell will fade. It's my special treat that bag.

They are all just wishes really. There's no going back. Never. That's the hard part. There's no paying more attention to the little things we shared. There's no stilling the moment. It's a moment that's here and then its gone. Too late to say the things I should of said, too late all of it.

So when this feeling threatens to bowl me over when I'm walking down the street next, I'll try to accept it. It's after all my body trying to remember my life, trying to capture that feeling, encasing it in a part of my body forever. When I think that time should play a part in numbing the effect I'll know that I'm wrong, for time is nothing. It's love that's endless :)

Falling back in love...

I have a guilty secret...
I've been hiding it from you all for a while now.
My secret is that I've fallen out of love.
I've fallen out of love with my training.
There I said it.
No matter what I do, or how hard I try I just can't conjure up the feeling that I used to get when I train. I'm devastated by this. Does this mean we'll break up eventually or should I keep investing like people do in a broken relationship. Is it doomed?

So many times I've seriously considered joining a mothers group and having coffee and banana bread day in and day out. Sometimes the thought of working up a sweat repulses me. Sometimes I have to drag my lazy arse to the gym cause I know it's what I should do but a lot of the time it's not what I want to do. Shame on me. Shame shame!

Should I keep at it in the hope that the love will once again blossom? Is that what people do? Like people that stay in unhappy relationships in the hope that something will change? I can't imagine not training. Not only do I train with some of my best friends but I train at the best gym ever. It would leave a huge gap in my life. I suppose I'm not considering quitting I'm just really feeling this lull.

I feel like a traitor. Like an imposter in my gym. I look around and see all these people loving what they are doing and I feel like I've somehow gone to sleep and woken up in this strange place where I used to reside happily. Feel like I've had a micro sleep and somehow the world has turned itself upside down. I keep turning up and going through the motions but the feeling, the passion that I had is still not back. I have a lot of guilt about this. I'm a trainer. I'm supposed to be brimming with energy and enthusiasm and inspiring others to do the same. Instead part of me looks on with envy at all of you revelling in it. The love of seeing people achieve their goals is still there but I've lost mine.  Damn that micro sleep!!

Still I plan to show up everyday because that's what I do and what I've done for a long time now and partly because I won't give up on you. You being me or my alter ego. I remember that feeling so well, the feeling that I so long for again, and I think is worth fighting for. I'm not ready to give up on you, not yet.

I needed to talk about it. Today, I am admitting my falling-out-of-lovedness. Once I got it out in the open and stopped being ashamed about it, I knew I'd feel better. It's been like a badge of Dis-Honor I am wearing on my heart. Once I talked about it and wrote about it here, I'd feel more human.

So see you all In the gym real soon. Keep on having fun all and keep on reminding me of what it feels like to have the passion in your grasp. I need to be reminded of it. I trust I will get back there. I have to. It's what life is made up of.  So thank you for delivering me into that feeling of envy again.  As long as I still have that feeling from time to time then there is hope.