In my body first

Funny how it comes about this feeling. I can be walking down the street, or buying a coffee, or even doing the dishes and I feel it. Sometimes even the smell of you on another walking past is enough to do it. It becomes me. I feel it in my body first, then it pierces my heart. Always in my body first. The mind cannot be trusted. The mind will tell you it has forgotten, while the body, the body will never lie. I want to drop to my knees and pray. Right in that very spot.

What would life be if the body never remembered. Just another day of coffee, weather, waking up and going to sleep. It would be cheating me of the memory of you, robbing me of the beauty that was. I want to thank you for giving me these snapshots of my life. Thank you for allowing this rewind of time for a fleeting moment.

I can't recall our last words. I try and try but I can't remember. I can't remember all the details of all those stories you told me which I thought were oh so irrelevant at the time. I wish I had a tape recorder in my mind so I could replay the sound of your voice.

I wish I could keep the smell of you alive. I have you all sealed up in a zip lock bag in my room. Your fabric jewellery case that smells of you. I open it up and I have you for another moment. Memories of love. A mix of musk, lavender and love. I try not to open that bag too often for fear that your smell will fade. It's my special treat that bag.

They are all just wishes really. There's no going back. Never. That's the hard part. There's no paying more attention to the little things we shared. There's no stilling the moment. It's a moment that's here and then its gone. Too late to say the things I should of said, too late all of it.

So when this feeling threatens to bowl me over when I'm walking down the street next, I'll try to accept it. It's after all my body trying to remember my life, trying to capture that feeling, encasing it in a part of my body forever. When I think that time should play a part in numbing the effect I'll know that I'm wrong, for time is nothing. It's love that's endless :)