In my body first

Funny how it comes about this feeling. I can be walking down the street, or buying a coffee, or even doing the dishes and I feel it. Sometimes even the smell of you on another walking past is enough to do it. It becomes me. I feel it in my body first, then it pierces my heart. Always in my body first. The mind cannot be trusted. The mind will tell you it has forgotten, while the body, the body will never lie. I want to drop to my knees and pray. Right in that very spot.

What would life be if the body never remembered. Just another day of coffee, weather, waking up and going to sleep. It would be cheating me of the memory of you, robbing me of the beauty that was. I want to thank you for giving me these snapshots of my life. Thank you for allowing this rewind of time for a fleeting moment.

I can't recall our last words. I try and try but I can't remember. I can't remember all the details of all those stories you told me which I thought were oh so irrelevant at the time. I wish I had a tape recorder in my mind so I could replay the sound of your voice.

I wish I could keep the smell of you alive. I have you all sealed up in a zip lock bag in my room. Your fabric jewellery case that smells of you. I open it up and I have you for another moment. Memories of love. A mix of musk, lavender and love. I try not to open that bag too often for fear that your smell will fade. It's my special treat that bag.

They are all just wishes really. There's no going back. Never. That's the hard part. There's no paying more attention to the little things we shared. There's no stilling the moment. It's a moment that's here and then its gone. Too late to say the things I should of said, too late all of it.

So when this feeling threatens to bowl me over when I'm walking down the street next, I'll try to accept it. It's after all my body trying to remember my life, trying to capture that feeling, encasing it in a part of my body forever. When I think that time should play a part in numbing the effect I'll know that I'm wrong, for time is nothing. It's love that's endless :)

Falling back in love...

I have a guilty secret...
I've been hiding it from you all for a while now.
My secret is that I've fallen out of love.
I've fallen out of love with my training.
There I said it.
No matter what I do, or how hard I try I just can't conjure up the feeling that I used to get when I train. I'm devastated by this. Does this mean we'll break up eventually or should I keep investing like people do in a broken relationship. Is it doomed?

So many times I've seriously considered joining a mothers group and having coffee and banana bread day in and day out. Sometimes the thought of working up a sweat repulses me. Sometimes I have to drag my lazy arse to the gym cause I know it's what I should do but a lot of the time it's not what I want to do. Shame on me. Shame shame!

Should I keep at it in the hope that the love will once again blossom? Is that what people do? Like people that stay in unhappy relationships in the hope that something will change? I can't imagine not training. Not only do I train with some of my best friends but I train at the best gym ever. It would leave a huge gap in my life. I suppose I'm not considering quitting I'm just really feeling this lull.

I feel like a traitor. Like an imposter in my gym. I look around and see all these people loving what they are doing and I feel like I've somehow gone to sleep and woken up in this strange place where I used to reside happily. Feel like I've had a micro sleep and somehow the world has turned itself upside down. I keep turning up and going through the motions but the feeling, the passion that I had is still not back. I have a lot of guilt about this. I'm a trainer. I'm supposed to be brimming with energy and enthusiasm and inspiring others to do the same. Instead part of me looks on with envy at all of you revelling in it. The love of seeing people achieve their goals is still there but I've lost mine.  Damn that micro sleep!!

Still I plan to show up everyday because that's what I do and what I've done for a long time now and partly because I won't give up on you. You being me or my alter ego. I remember that feeling so well, the feeling that I so long for again, and I think is worth fighting for. I'm not ready to give up on you, not yet.

I needed to talk about it. Today, I am admitting my falling-out-of-lovedness. Once I got it out in the open and stopped being ashamed about it, I knew I'd feel better. It's been like a badge of Dis-Honor I am wearing on my heart. Once I talked about it and wrote about it here, I'd feel more human.

So see you all In the gym real soon. Keep on having fun all and keep on reminding me of what it feels like to have the passion in your grasp. I need to be reminded of it. I trust I will get back there. I have to. It's what life is made up of.  So thank you for delivering me into that feeling of envy again.  As long as I still have that feeling from time to time then there is hope.

Christened!

It's official. Jetta is christened. She had such a fun day. A day all about her. Could it be more perfect :)

Assessing threats...

If only I could train my brain to think of this inn the middle of a killer workout...

... as humans are very good at making up reasons why its ok to fail. It protects us. But I believe that in moments of stress it’s difficult to assess whether something is a true threat to our health, a threat to our ego, or just a threat to our success… when those threats presented themselves to me, that they were just that… threats; I looked at them like demons looking for my weakness. I used my confidence in myself as a shield.” - Heather...Crossfit Squamish after running a 100 mile foot race 

Just want to bottle her and preserve her like this forever...

Sorry for the neglect

So, u thought I was done huh? Well surprise surprise not so :)

I'm back and this time it's with purpose...It's not about just fitness for me. It's more about learning about myself as a person. I thought that by running a 100k ultramarathon I had my shit sorted! Not the case. once again this thing called the attainment of fitness throws back at me the fact that there's more to learn, more to achieve. That's what I love about it :) That's why I won't ly down without a fight. Besides it much more dynamic to stand up and fight then to ly down and give up right??

One goal I've set for myself is to get my 100kg 1rm back squat post pregnancy. Here's a video of me doing 2 reps of 95kg so not far off. It was taken just last week.

Felt soooo good to being going heavy again! Yay!! I'll make sure I post updates as I go.
Sorry blog for abandoning you for so long :) I've been kinda busy with this little Miss. She gets cuter by the day!

60 Things about me...

Below are 60 things you don't know about me. Been pondering how well we ever truly know somebody. It astounds me that you can be good friends with someone for years and still not know that much about them. Wouldn't life be easier if we made list of facts about ourselves, things especially that are hard to bring up in conversation and swapped them with friends. Such conversation starters for one.

Here's mine and please don't judge me, or do, I don't really care. Our past is what makes us the person we are today, warts and all and most of the time I'm pretty happy with where I am today :)

Ask yourself today, who are you? What makes up your list?

1. I enjoy my own company
2. I always try to seek the good in people.
3. If I can't see the good than I want to find out why that person isn't good anymore. I try to justify it for them.
4. I love my cat more than any human should love an animal
5. Sunshine makes me happy
6. Working up a sweat at the gym makes me happy
7. Working up a sweat whilst not working out makes me very unhappy
8. I don't like the heat/ humidity
9. Alot of the time I don't feel like training but all of the time I'm happy that I did
10. I love books and always have
11. I used to spend alot of lunch breaks at primary school in the library
12. I don't make good friends easily
13. It takes me a long time to build trust with someone
14. I've always wanted to swap brains with someone for a day to see how other people think
15. Everyday I miss my nan. Sometimes when I wake up and I remember that she's not here anymore I feel the physical pain in my heart first
16. When I was little I used to wake up thinking I could hear my nans voice in the kitchen because I used to really want her to be there
17. I never get bored
18. I believe in angels even though I've never seen one, I've felt them
19. I believe I'm here for a reason, but I'm not sure why yet
20. I survived a horrific car crash between me and a truck. That's one of the reasons I believe in angels, one of then saved me
21. I love all kinds of flowers and buy myself a bunch each week
22. I hate scary movies
23. I have known the depths of despair
24. I have come out the other side a better person
25. I have suffered from depression
26. I was a wayward teenager
27. I lost my virginity to someone I didn't even like that much
28. Sometimes I run just so I can think things through
29. Sometimes I run just so I can stop thinking
30. My thoughts quite often drive me crazy and I wish sometimes I had an off button
31. I wish I'd treated my body with more respect earlier in life
32. I hated being pregnant
33. I love my little girl more than life itself
34. Everyday I marvel that I made her and at how incredible that is
35. I try to smile at her everyday even when sometimes I don't feel happy
36. I'm addicted to Facebook
37. I often forget how old I am
38. Sometimes I like to delibrately make life hard for myself and take the long hard way to do things
39. I ran a 100km trail run race once
40. I hardly ever watch movies, only when I'm at home sick
41. The thing that scares me most in life is regrets
42. People disapoint me a lot and people inspire me a lot
43. I spend too much money and its the main bone of contention between my husband and I
44. I like buying things
45. I like my husband
46. See my dilemma
47. I dislike ball sports, both doing them and watching them
48. I have known pure bliss. I was on my own playing in the waves
49. I've never been on a blind date
50. I nearly shot herion once but that same angel stopped me
51. I'm not a fan of heights
52. I wish I could cure a loved one of a mental illness
53. There's a lot of things I'll never put on this list
54. My favourite colour is yellow. It's my lucky colour
55. When I run and I'm getting tired I start counting the steps starting from a random number
56. I only get up when my alarm clocks turns to a number divisible by five
57. I tend to do things in extreme
58. I rarely cry but when I do I mean it
59. I like routine
60. I smoked a packet of cigarrettes for 10 years