A treasure hunt in a minefield

I promised before I went off on my European holiday that I would blog each day about all our travels. I wanted it as a keepsake for Jetta. Turned out that the idea was a good one but not at all practical. Our days were so busy that I usually collapsed each night in a heap. I still want to capture our holiday here though. I plan on doing my best to document the parts that were important to me and of course add some pretty photos. I'm going to try to document each city we visited. It really was all so beautiful and magical.

First stop Venice! Such a beautiful place, just like you imagine but better. It's amazing really that it's a city built on water. A place like no other. It transports you into another time.

There were so many moments that took my breath away. One particular one is etched in mind and heart forever. Jetta, mum and I were out exploring and we came to a beautiful view atop of Accademia bridge. We stood for a while to soak up the beauty that was before us and mum started to cry. I asked her what was wrong and she said 'It's just so beautiful' and kept on crying. A somewhat normal reaction to being overwhelmed by beauty and being caught up in a moment, but to me it meant more than that.  I was so glad that I got to take my mum along with me on this trip. I wanted so badly for her to experience something beautiful. I wanted beauty and joy to help heal her. I wanted to wipe away her pain and sadness that she has felt for most of her life. I wanted to make it better. I always have.

For as long as I can remember life has been hard for my mum. I won't go into details here as this is my blog and that's her story to tell if she so chose one day. I think sometimes when we let sadness riddle our minds we forget to look around us and notice, just to notice. The less we let ourselves look up and see what there is to be seen around us, the more life we miss out on. I wanted so badly for her to just SEE, to peel back the layers of fear and see beauty. It was a moment suspended in time when I got my wish. That made the heartache dissipate, at least a little.

I think one of the most painful things to endure in life is watching someone you love suffer. Feeling helpless to help them. We want to make it better for them and we feel frustration and emptiness when we can't fix it for them. Often it's hard to watch, its something you don't want to see. So many times I've wanted to walk away, run even, to somewhere that has no sadness, where things aren't unfixable,

For much of my life I've been running away. Running away and then coming back, then running away again. I rallied against her wanting so much of me. I needed much of her but instead I was taken from, and I let her.

Today, do I still want to run a million miles? Yes every single day of my life. I always have and I always probably will. Does it make my heart heavy, like at any moment it will make me fall? Yes. Do I think of how unfair that is? Yes all the time. Sometimes life has other plans for you though. What has life had me do? It's had me sit with it, it's made me not run anymore. Running didn't fix anything, but neither did staying. Logic tells me that there should be a antidote to that, like WTF. What a fucked up situation. How can the world let that be? HOW can that be?

I'm curious about people who seem to be able to transcend pain and suffering in their lives. People that seem untouched. Maybe though that's not the case. Maybe we all have suffering but there's only a few of us that choose to make it known, to speak about it so that others can benefit and maybe even feel healed themselves. I don't have the answers. I want to be with people that know suffering and don't try to escape it permanently. Sometimes your meant to witness the suffering of others. It makes us better people. It helps you understand that a comfortable reality is not enjoyed by all.

I am grateful for the beauty around me. Even when its alongside painful things. It's sometimes easier to just find the beauty and stick to it like glue never looking in the opposite direction. Looking for beauty is like a treasure hunt. A treasure hunt in a minefield. I've decided I don't want out of there for now. Because truth, and beauty and God are there. So is my mum.