This is the parachute

Have you ever sat down with someone and had a conversation, but it didn't turn out to be one of substance because it was just a surface one. You didn't talk of anything important, just discussed stuff, you left feeling like you missed an opportunity to connect. Even when you detect the other person had something more meaningful to talk about, even when you could sense that need, the conversation never went there. We are all too busy sometimes putting on facades that our lives are perfect and that we are coping just fine.

What would happen if we sat down and opened our hearts? What would happen if we really said how we were feeling, opened up about our greatest fears in life? What if we weren't scared of being ridiculed, what if we felt we had nothing to lose? What if all we had to lose was junk?

What would I say if I was to really tell you how I was? What would you say? I might say "Well more often than not I'm really lonely but don't want company, I swing violently between loving my daughter with wild abandonment to sometimes thinking that life was better before her, quite often I wake and don't want my day to start and then the next I laugh at how I could possibly think that and marvel at the beauty of the day that awaits me. I have a not so perfect relationship with my husband and lately I've been having chocolate for breakfast. Sometimes I have flashes of motivation but often it all feels too hard and all a little too late. I would say how scared I am of time ticking by and never knowing the real me. I would say that as postive as I try to be sometimes I deliberately like to wallow in my self loathing. It's often where I think I deserve to be and I see everything and nothing unhealthy about that all at once. I would say that sometimes I feel that I'm doing it all wrong, prioritising everything arse up. I'm scared of regrets, of missing important conversations and of relishing the not so important people and conversations in my life, but mostly I'm scared of not having the ability to know the difference. I often feel alone in a room full of people and I don't know if it's because I'm in the wrong room.

If your still reading this because your curious then great keep reading. If your still reading because your here to see the fall then fuck off from my page. This isn't falling, this is the parachute that keeps me here. If your still reading because you believe in true, real people and connections in your life then I love you. Real things in life are not always beautiful. I want real, beautiful, ugly, endangered, hopeful souls here.

The more I open my heart to people, the more I am convinced that life is equal parts brutal and beautiful. Sharing this duality is what makes us feel less alone and afraid. Life is hard-not because we're always doing it wrong, just because it's hard. I'm learning its ok to feel this, it's ok to share this or write about it. 

Maybe life gets really good when we remove all of the layers of protection we've built around our hearts and walk out into the open naked.