Guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt!!!!! So sick of this feeling of guilt. So sick of this word. Maybe if I write about it here it will somehow disipate. It follows me everywhere. I wake up and it's one of the first things my mind remembers. That's right it says, your Tysha the guilty one. It doesn't even have to be for a reason anymore. It's almost like I carry you around with me like a permanent tattoo. One that you thought about getting, got it, and then wished it away, only to find that this shit is harder to get rid of then you first thought.
When does the guilt start? Is it triggered by an event or by how someome else make us feel? Is it brought on by the decisions we make, that feel ok at the time but we regret after. When did we start even entertaining the idea of guilt?
Guilt imobolizes us. It's a dead end. How does it serve us and why is it so hard to be rid of? It's almost like it's ingrained in us especially as woman and I've found even more so as a mother to feel guilty over everything!! Here's an example of my inner dialogue; (warning! going here may hurt your brain lol) #I've got so much to do today and look at my baby over there playing all day by herself. She's only going to be this little for a while you know? You should spend more time with her. Yes I know but what about all the shit I have to do, what about me? #I won't go the gym this morning because she seems tired. You really shouldn't drag her around when she needs her sleep you know. What kind of mother are you? Putting yourself first again I see? At the expense of your child hmmm but if I don't go to the gym I will go backwards in everything I've worked so hard for. You remember all that work and hours that you put into it, all those hours spent away from her. So you just going to waste it are you?....see what I mean? Exhausting isn't it. I don't think I'm alone in this one. Do you also find that you have to guilt yourself into doing things. It's like my brain and body run on guilt mode these days. How draining is that! Ggrrr there has to be a better way!
Fuck guilt I say! Fuck anyone who even tries to make you feel that way. It's usually the ones closest to us that makes us feel this, which makes it even harder to let go. We reason that these people know us so there must be a grain of truth in it. Sighhh I'm exhausted just writing this.
You know what? It's OK to feel this way. It is. It's OK to let go now and then. Why do we feel we must berrate ourselves so? It's OK! I get sick of this internal fight sometimes. It's ok to eat the wrong types of foods for a while. It's OK to go on holidays, eat the wrong types of foods and not exercise sometimes. It's called being human. Keep saying it. It's OK. It's Ok until you start to believe it. The world will not implode. It's the guilt afterwards that lingers and makes it hard to keep trucking. It's all the 'who cares' and the 'so what's' that we say to ourself to help justify the bad decisions, to make them sit ok with ourselves that hurt us. That's where we come unstuck. That's how we get immobilised.
Banish guilt forever I say. It doesn't serve you in any positive way. I have to keep telling myself that I'm worthy of the time I need to spend on me. Time I WANT to spend on me. Everybody wins really. I'll go home and I'll be a happier mum and wife after I take care of me. Spending time on myself creates a positive role model for my baby. I want her to grow and value herself. I want her to always feel worthy of every opportunity that helps better herself in life.
OK rant over. haha thanks for listening :)
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