A treasure hunt in a minefield

I promised before I went off on my European holiday that I would blog each day about all our travels. I wanted it as a keepsake for Jetta. Turned out that the idea was a good one but not at all practical. Our days were so busy that I usually collapsed each night in a heap. I still want to capture our holiday here though. I plan on doing my best to document the parts that were important to me and of course add some pretty photos. I'm going to try to document each city we visited. It really was all so beautiful and magical.

First stop Venice! Such a beautiful place, just like you imagine but better. It's amazing really that it's a city built on water. A place like no other. It transports you into another time.

There were so many moments that took my breath away. One particular one is etched in mind and heart forever. Jetta, mum and I were out exploring and we came to a beautiful view atop of Accademia bridge. We stood for a while to soak up the beauty that was before us and mum started to cry. I asked her what was wrong and she said 'It's just so beautiful' and kept on crying. A somewhat normal reaction to being overwhelmed by beauty and being caught up in a moment, but to me it meant more than that.  I was so glad that I got to take my mum along with me on this trip. I wanted so badly for her to experience something beautiful. I wanted beauty and joy to help heal her. I wanted to wipe away her pain and sadness that she has felt for most of her life. I wanted to make it better. I always have.

For as long as I can remember life has been hard for my mum. I won't go into details here as this is my blog and that's her story to tell if she so chose one day. I think sometimes when we let sadness riddle our minds we forget to look around us and notice, just to notice. The less we let ourselves look up and see what there is to be seen around us, the more life we miss out on. I wanted so badly for her to just SEE, to peel back the layers of fear and see beauty. It was a moment suspended in time when I got my wish. That made the heartache dissipate, at least a little.

I think one of the most painful things to endure in life is watching someone you love suffer. Feeling helpless to help them. We want to make it better for them and we feel frustration and emptiness when we can't fix it for them. Often it's hard to watch, its something you don't want to see. So many times I've wanted to walk away, run even, to somewhere that has no sadness, where things aren't unfixable,

For much of my life I've been running away. Running away and then coming back, then running away again. I rallied against her wanting so much of me. I needed much of her but instead I was taken from, and I let her.

Today, do I still want to run a million miles? Yes every single day of my life. I always have and I always probably will. Does it make my heart heavy, like at any moment it will make me fall? Yes. Do I think of how unfair that is? Yes all the time. Sometimes life has other plans for you though. What has life had me do? It's had me sit with it, it's made me not run anymore. Running didn't fix anything, but neither did staying. Logic tells me that there should be a antidote to that, like WTF. What a fucked up situation. How can the world let that be? HOW can that be?

I'm curious about people who seem to be able to transcend pain and suffering in their lives. People that seem untouched. Maybe though that's not the case. Maybe we all have suffering but there's only a few of us that choose to make it known, to speak about it so that others can benefit and maybe even feel healed themselves. I don't have the answers. I want to be with people that know suffering and don't try to escape it permanently. Sometimes your meant to witness the suffering of others. It makes us better people. It helps you understand that a comfortable reality is not enjoyed by all.

I am grateful for the beauty around me. Even when its alongside painful things. It's sometimes easier to just find the beauty and stick to it like glue never looking in the opposite direction. Looking for beauty is like a treasure hunt. A treasure hunt in a minefield. I've decided I don't want out of there for now. Because truth, and beauty and God are there. So is my mum.

The secret of my writing is this:

'...and I realise the secret of my writing is this: my love voice speaks directly to yours. We are the same at our core. The heart rejoices when it hears the truth. Namaste-the divine light in me recognises and honors the diving light in you' - Glennon Doyle

This is the parachute

Have you ever sat down with someone and had a conversation, but it didn't turn out to be one of substance because it was just a surface one. You didn't talk of anything important, just discussed stuff, you left feeling like you missed an opportunity to connect. Even when you detect the other person had something more meaningful to talk about, even when you could sense that need, the conversation never went there. We are all too busy sometimes putting on facades that our lives are perfect and that we are coping just fine.

What would happen if we sat down and opened our hearts? What would happen if we really said how we were feeling, opened up about our greatest fears in life? What if we weren't scared of being ridiculed, what if we felt we had nothing to lose? What if all we had to lose was junk?

What would I say if I was to really tell you how I was? What would you say? I might say "Well more often than not I'm really lonely but don't want company, I swing violently between loving my daughter with wild abandonment to sometimes thinking that life was better before her, quite often I wake and don't want my day to start and then the next I laugh at how I could possibly think that and marvel at the beauty of the day that awaits me. I have a not so perfect relationship with my husband and lately I've been having chocolate for breakfast. Sometimes I have flashes of motivation but often it all feels too hard and all a little too late. I would say how scared I am of time ticking by and never knowing the real me. I would say that as postive as I try to be sometimes I deliberately like to wallow in my self loathing. It's often where I think I deserve to be and I see everything and nothing unhealthy about that all at once. I would say that sometimes I feel that I'm doing it all wrong, prioritising everything arse up. I'm scared of regrets, of missing important conversations and of relishing the not so important people and conversations in my life, but mostly I'm scared of not having the ability to know the difference. I often feel alone in a room full of people and I don't know if it's because I'm in the wrong room.

If your still reading this because your curious then great keep reading. If your still reading because your here to see the fall then fuck off from my page. This isn't falling, this is the parachute that keeps me here. If your still reading because you believe in true, real people and connections in your life then I love you. Real things in life are not always beautiful. I want real, beautiful, ugly, endangered, hopeful souls here.

The more I open my heart to people, the more I am convinced that life is equal parts brutal and beautiful. Sharing this duality is what makes us feel less alone and afraid. Life is hard-not because we're always doing it wrong, just because it's hard. I'm learning its ok to feel this, it's ok to share this or write about it. 

Maybe life gets really good when we remove all of the layers of protection we've built around our hearts and walk out into the open naked.

Guilt. Such a dirty word...

Guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt!!!!! So sick of this feeling of guilt. So sick of this word. Maybe if I write about it here it will somehow disipate. It follows me everywhere. I wake up and it's one of the first things my mind remembers. That's right it says, your Tysha the guilty one. It doesn't even have to be for a reason anymore. It's almost like I carry you around with me like a permanent  tattoo. One that you thought about getting, got it, and then wished it away, only to find that this shit is harder to get rid of then you first thought.

When does the guilt start? Is it triggered by an event or by how someome else make us feel? Is it brought on by the decisions we make, that feel ok at the time but we regret after. When did we start even entertaining the idea of guilt?

Guilt imobolizes us. It's a dead end. How does it serve us and why is it so hard to be rid of? It's almost like it's ingrained in us especially as woman and I've found even more so as a mother to feel guilty over everything!! Here's an example of my inner dialogue; (warning! going here may hurt your brain lol) #I've got so much to do today and look at my baby over there playing all day by herself. She's only going to be this little for a while you know? You should spend more time with her. Yes I know but what about all the shit I have to do, what about me? #I won't go the gym this morning because she seems tired. You really shouldn't drag her around when she needs her sleep you know. What kind of mother are you? Putting yourself first again I see? At the expense of your child hmmm but if I don't go to the gym I will go backwards in everything I've worked so hard for. You remember all that work and hours that you put into it, all those hours spent away from her. So you just going to waste it are you?....see what I mean? Exhausting isn't it. I don't think I'm alone in this one. Do you also find that you have to guilt yourself into doing things. It's like my brain and body run on guilt mode these days. How draining is that! Ggrrr there has to be a better way!

Fuck guilt I say! Fuck anyone who even tries to make you feel that way. It's usually the ones closest to us that makes us feel this, which makes it even harder to let go. We reason that these people know us so there must be a grain of truth in it. Sighhh I'm exhausted just writing this.

You know what? It's OK to feel this way. It is. It's OK to let go now and then. Why do we feel we must berrate ourselves so? It's OK! I get sick of this internal fight sometimes. It's ok to eat the wrong types of foods for a while. It's OK to go on holidays, eat the wrong types of foods and not exercise sometimes. It's called being human. Keep saying it. It's OK. It's Ok until you start to believe it. The world will not implode. It's the guilt afterwards that lingers and makes it hard to keep trucking. It's all the 'who cares' and the 'so what's' that we say to ourself to help justify the bad decisions, to make them sit ok with ourselves that hurt us.  That's where we come unstuck. That's how we get immobilised.

Banish guilt forever I say. It doesn't serve you in any positive way. I have to keep telling myself that I'm worthy of the time I need to spend on me. Time I WANT to spend on me. Everybody wins really. I'll go home and I'll be a happier mum and wife after I take care of me. Spending time on myself creates a positive role model for my baby. I want her to grow and value herself. I want her to always feel worthy of every opportunity that helps better herself in life.

OK rant over. haha thanks for listening :)

There's always a reason if we're game enough to examine ourselves a little closer...

Ok well the stats are in, yet again. I just had a dexa scan done as planned, with it being 3 months since my last one. The goal was to lose some body fat while trying out how being in a nutritional state of ketosis panned out for me (see post "Body composition progress at 12 months"). I wanted to test and measure accurately for the three months and a body composition scan is a perfect way to do that. It measures your body fat, muscle mass and bone density even giving you a breakdown of the percentages in different areas of your body. It's a really good way to gain an accurate snapshot of where your at.

So the results are that I lost 1% body fat and gained 3 kilos of muscle. If I had jumped on the scales and seen an increase of 3 kilos I would of freaked. A body composition analysis takes all the guess work out. It's been a good gain, muscle mass is going to work in my favour, keeping my metabolism chugging along nicely. With regards to my body fat the aim was to lose closer to 3%. I didn't reach my goal there but there's a reason for that. There's always a reason if we're game enough to examine ourselves a little closer.

I truthfully found maintaining a nutritional level of ketosis quiet difficult. I made sure I tested and measured each day to see what my readings were and I have to come clean that I stuck to the plan only for the 1st month. The rest of the time I was in and out of it. My main downfall was letting the sugar monster back in. I find it really hard to keep to moderation when it comes to sugar. It tends to be an all or nothing approach for me. I find it really addictive and have to make a concerted effort to wean it back out of my diet. I also found it easy enough to eat enough fat but found it hard to keep my protein low enough.

Another issue for me was that I had holidays booked. As much as I love holidays they tend to give me a little anxiety as I hate the feeling of losing control over my routine as well as my training and nutrition. It tends to freak me out a little bit. I know when I'm out of my environment my usually good habits tend to wane and I get a bit down on myself. So I think I do a bit of self sabotaging beforehand.The thought of having to fight off that sugar monster again was all too much, especially when I was only going to let him back on holidays anyway...see the pattern of poor thinking...

I'm not telling you all of this to give myself excuses or get myself off the hook. I'm not here to impress you, I'm here to connect with you. I want to be as real as I possibly can in telling you my struggles and successes. This shit is hard. Day in and day out, it's hard to keep your focus and remember why we do the things we do. I could sit here and tell you that I did exactly as I had planned and it was piss easy and lie to mysef and you, but truth be told, I slipped up this time. I took the road that I warn my clients against. I took the road of all or nothing. Ok so you have a shit day, you shouldn't let one bad decision blow out into a bad day and then blow out into a bad few days and before you realise it's become a bad week. Guilt gets the better of you. Every decision you make everyday of the week becomes you.

What I got out of this experiment was a direct correlation to what I put into it. I can't complain nor delude myself that I should of got better results. I think too many times we give ourselves the easy road and let ourselves off the hook. You can't do things half arsed and expect a stellar result, end of story and that applies throughout every facet of your life. You cant give 100% one day then 50% the next and think it doesn't count. It all counts, every single decision you make counts. You have to assess whether treating yourself with a treat meal after you've eaten so good all week is really worth it? How is it a treat if it just sabotages all your efforts?

Doing this scan when I knew that less than desirable results would come was good for me. The results weren't bad but they were not what I initially set out to get and that's hard for me to come to terms with and even harder for me to share it with you. There was definitely some positives too. I did achieve that goal of 120kg back squat and all in all my training felt good. Another positive is I regained that 3 kilos of muscle mass that I lost before. I can't be sure whether it was purely training related or due to more carbs being in my diet. I didn't plan my carbs around my training, they were just incidental. That is something I will experiment with though.

This has reinforced for me and hopefully for some of you out there what it takes to make real progress. It's also reminded me why I choose to eat well in the first place. It makes me feel good, helps me train well and to me that's the most important thing. Of course losing body fat is a bonus but this experiment has been a reminder that at the end of the day I want to fuel my body so that I can get the most out of it to do what I love to do and that's to train up a storm. Moving forward I will get back to basics and not focus on the body fat component of my journey so much but on basic clean eating, cutting out sugar and making sure I fuel up for training. Body composition results will naturally stem from there.

I know myself well enough to know that a pursuit of purely body composition won't get me to the gym twice a day. It used to be easier without a baby, but now just getting there is hard. Sure I want to look good in a bikini like everyone else but at the end of the day I need a bigger driving force and everyones will be different.

Like I tell all my clients, you have to have clear set goals. You have to have that voice in your head that reminds you why you want success when temptation comes by. Sticking to the plan some of the time won't get you to those goals. Thinking 'its all too hard' or 'whatever I do I can't lose weight' won't work either. None of us are perfect and we all struggle with the same things a lot of the time. We have to get honest with ourselves. Deep down we all know what our outcomes will be because sometimes we impose on ourselves self limiting beliefs. We've already set ourselves up to either succeed or fail from the get go. Believe me when I tell you that you can do it! You can! Put the true effort in and the results will come, always. That I can promise you.

You know what? Your life is happenning right now. As I sit here writing this, my baby Jetta is running around at her grandmas having fun maybe wondering where mummy is or maybe not? Time is ticking by whilst we sit and complain about what we don't have yet or what it is we are striving for. Make it count. Don't waste any more time on negativity. We have to just get in and do it! Time doesn't wait for us. How many more 'starting again on Mondays' will it take for you to start the new phase of your life? What will it all mean in the end? Make sure that goal is worthy of you, worthy of your time and your efforts, and most importantly enjoy the journey.

Hope

House of the Virgin Mary

A friend asked me the other day if I believed in miracles and I didn't know how to answer. That was until I sat down and thought about it some more. I hope you, my dear friend will read this because I've decided that I do. Miracles are everywhere. They are happening each day to us all and we fail to see them for what they are.

To me a miracle is meeting the people you meet at times of your life when you need them the most. I truly believe that what ever life throws at you you always are given the tools to deal with it and come out the other side a better person. I can think back over my life and see that. At each transition or struggle there was a special person that helped me, gave me the courage, the helping hand etc that I needed. I can only think of one time in my life that I felt truly alone, with no help that I needed desperately, but you know what? I am stronger for it.

I believe in a higher being. I'm not sure if it's god or maybe it doesn't really matter who it is that me or you believe in so long as we have faith in something. I don't know why I was alone when I needed that help. Maybe I wasn't and that makes me think back to a poem that used to hang in my Nan's kitchen about God and foot prints being in the sand. In the poem a man asks God why he left him in his time of need. He said that he couldn't see Gods footsteps in the sand next to him in his darkest moment and God replied that he had carried him and would never leave him. Maybe that explains it, I don't know and it really doesn't mater because I know that everything we experience, be it good or bad is for a reason. We may not know why, and we might never, yet I believe that when there is pain, there is art, that's what it becomes. It becomes beauty if we let it. Maybe by experience we can help someone else through theirs.

I also see a miracle in birth. It truly is a miracle that I have a part of me and my husband in my arms each night. Where did she come from? That's amazing to me.

I have also felt divinity. I was visiting Esphesus in Turkey and were going to a site that was supposedly the last resting place of the Virgin Mary. I didn't know what to expect of it. It was a little chapel that we were lining up to get into. It used to be her house and was reduced to rubble but the walls had been recently rebuilt and was now a church/ shrine to her for visitors to go and see. I walked in and immediately felt I could of dropped to my knees and prayed. Such was the affect of entering that room. I felt her pure love in that room. I felt her sacrifice. The air felt thick with emotion.

I've been to beautiful churches on my travels. St Peters Basilica, St Pauls Cathedral, The Blue Mosque in Turkey, and numerous others but none have moved me the way this simple sandstone dwelling moved me. Yes, they were all beautiful and had a certain sense of divinity but they were not miraclous. Could it be the final resting place of Mary? I truly don't know but I know that place had an affect on me. It made my world stop. I left the church and the air I breathed smelt fresher, the sky more blue, the flowers in the garden meant something more after that moment.

It's all the little miracles that we experience each day that mean something. They equal life. Why do we think we need a big miracle to happen to believe in ourselves, or that something or someone amazing is watching over us. We watch over each other. It's apparent in each of our daily struggles and in the fact that we survive them.

So that's what I would say if I was back in that moment when you asked if I believe I miracles. I would say that yes, of course I do. The fact that I was standing there with you at that moment is a miracle. Maybe me answering yes will offer you in this moment, what I have been lucky enough to have over and over in my life when I have asked for divine intervention...hope.

You are never lost...

Any time you get ‘off track’ with a feeling: sad, mad, confused, etc., know that there is nothing that you are seeking. You are never lost. All you have to do is let your ‘you’ come back out. Dissolve the feelings of inadequacy and know that they are an illusion.- Stirling Gardner

I believe in magic...

In case you ever forget how deep my love is for you know this...you are my reason to exist. Your giggle makes me believe in magic. I love you xx

Bec's story

Whether you stand to lose 6kg or 60kgs like Bec, her story can inspire you and give you hope. There is always a way. Bec hopes that by sharing her story she can help inspire others to make positive changes too. Thank you for sharing your story Bec. It's sure to help others along there journey. You see, that's what happens when you have success, you want to spread the word. You want to lift everyone up and say, 'see if I can do it, so can you!'

A few things stand out for me in Becs' story. One is her motivation. It's her big 'Why?' You see most of us have certain goals. We want to lose 5 kilos, we want a flatter stomach etc. but I think to achieve real success there's needs to be a bigger reason why you want those goals. Bec's big reason 'Why' was her daughter. Her reason to make a change to her health was for her daughters benefit. Her main source of motivation stemmed from love :) how great is that. How fantastic is it that Bec's such a positive role model for her daughter. What greater gift can you give someone. 

I've always loved training Bec. She's never missed a training session and works so hard. Each one she turns up to with a smile on her face, knowing that with each day she was getting closer to her goals and most importantly enjoying the journey. It's been amazing being a part of your journey Bec. I feel so privileged being able to work with you to help achieve your goals. Thank you for giving me so much credit, but it's you that's put in all the hard work and you deserve all the success. I'm so proud of you and I just know that you'll make a difference in so many lives by sharing your story and with your new career as a food coach. Keep on being you and keep on being awesome. xx

Enjoy Bec's story...

Growing up I was always overweight, I can't even remember a time that I wasn't.

You always hear people say, "I don't know how I let myself get so big" but I won't say that because I know exactly how I managed to get that big.

Apart from playing netball there was no other physical activities that I par took in. Put it simply I was lazy. Even at netball I was a lazy player. I mainly played Goal Shooter and that didn't require much moving around.

It also didn't help that I loved my food, and I certainly wasn't eating a lot of healthy foods either. Lollies, chips, chocolates,soft drink, hot chips, basically anything that was bad for you and that contained a large amount of sugar I indulged in it.

Probably my first "attempt", and I use that word loosely as it wasn't my choice, at weight loss was towards the end of primary school when my mum signed me up to weight watchers. That, however, didn't last long. I just didn't want to do it and didn't think I needed to.

Over the years I would lose some weight, nothing significant, but would end up putting it back on plus some more. In my mind I wasn't ready to try and lose the weight and the more people, i.e my mum, told me I had to, the more I was against it.

I think the biggest habit I got myself into was not eating breakfast and most days lunch, then just gorge on whatever I could get my hands on when I got home from school. Plus there was a lot of soft drink and little, if any, water.

Looking back on it now I can definitely say I was an emotional eater. I'm not, nor have I ever been, the most confident person. Although at times it wouldn't appear that way because I could hide behind the fat girl who didn't care. I usually wouldn't give away too much in terms of emotions and was quite guarded, so I'd bury my emotions in food.

Another factor in my emotional eating was my mum and her desire for me to lose the weight. I would get upset that I wasn't the daughter she wanted so I would eat. I know she was only concerned for me and wanted me to be healthy but at the time I didn't want to hear it. The more she tried to talk reason, the more I would eat. This became a vicious cycle that went on for years. 

After I had my daughter I guess I fell into a bit of depression. I would have anxiety attacks just trying to walk out the front door, so yet again I turned to food and hid my feelings behind eating.

I never really had that lightbulb moment, that defining moment that clicked and set me off on my weight loss journey. For me it happened over a couple of months. My daughter had started walking at 8 months and was getting to be extremely active. So the decision to lose weight became easier because now my daughter relied on me to be fit and healthy.

The changes started out small to begin with. I started eating breakfast and would take my daughter for walks everyday. Just by making these couple of changes the weight started to come off.

Over the next few years my walks became longer, I was eating regular meals and trying to reduce the unhealthy snacks and soft drinks. My nutrition and probably my portion sizes still weren't the best but the weight was coming off. I had roughly lost 30kg in those few years and decided it was time to step it up and the only way I knew how to do that was to join a gym.

Even though I had lost this weight and I was feeling fitter and healthier, I still lacked in confidence so the only logical gym for me to join was an all female gym where I would at least feel comfortable enough to train at. So in 2011 I joined Fernwood.

I will admit that to begin with my motivation for going to the gym was the fact that I was paying a membership fee. It felt like a chore and I was just going through the motions and not really pushing myself.

That was until I met Tysha.

The day I met Tysha was the beginning of the new me.

Tysha took over as my trainer a few months after I had joined the gym when my original trainer left Fernwood and I have never looked back. She made me realise that I was capable of doing things I never thought possible. Because of Tysha and her training I discovered how much I actually enjoyed going to the gym and working out. It no longer felt like a chore and my motivation wasn't just the membership fee anymore. I was going to the gym because it made me feel good and I was enjoying my time there.

Tysha's training sessions were hard and they definitely pushed me but having Tysha believe that I could do it made me more determined, more motivated to prove to both myself and Tysha that I could actually do it.

I gained a lot confidence from my training with Tysha and decided that I would enter the 8 week challenge the gym had running. I felt it would be a good way to improve my fitness with the added boot camp sessions on top of my regular pt sessions with Tysha. I was also entitled to food coaching sessions and felt this could be a huge benefit to me as I could understand more about good nutrition.

Seeing the food coach really helped and made me aware of the bad nutrition choices I was making. I learnt a lot from these sessions and managed to implement changes to my diet.

During the 8 week challenge I had lost 3.5kg and managed to lose 46cm all over, which won me the award for most centimetres lost. I never expected to be in contention for any of the awards, as I was using the challenge as a way to improve my fitness, so I was quite shocked when it happened.

Since joining the gym I have lost another 30kg and feel fitter and healthier than I have ever been.

Most of the credit for my transformation has to go to Tysha. Words cannot express my gratitude for what she has done in helping me to get to where I am today.

Like I said before, the day I met Tysha was the beginning of the new me. She is definitely someone I look up to, respect and aspire to be like. It's because of Tysha that I realised I wanted to get into the fitness industry. Her motivation, passion, knowledge, patience and belief in me made it possible for me to achieve what I have already.

I would, and still do, get nervous before a training session with Tysha because I knew it would be hard and that it would challenge me. And as always I would leave feeling fantastic and with a sense of accomplishment. 

Tysha has helped me both physically and mentally. And although I'm still not that overly confident person, she has gotten me to see myself differently and recognise the changes I have made to my overall health and fitness. She has made me realise that I am now a good role model for my daughter and with the changes I've made through diet and exercise I am setting a good example for her.

I will admit though I still have my struggles and my days when I still see myself as the girl who was 60kg heavier but I know I just have to keep reminding myself of how far I've come and what I've already achieved and that I'm not that person anymore. 

When I first started training with Tysha I hated training in front of the mirrors and felt so uncomfortable seeing my reflection but it's now something I've gotten use to and it doesn't even phase me anymore seeing my reflection in front of me.

If someone had have said to me five years ago that I would lose 60kg and that I would become a gym enthusiast I would have said, "Yeah right" and just laughed.

I probably would have said the same thing if someone had have said to me two years ago that I would end up working at the gym.

Well here I am 60kg lighter and working at Fernwood as a food coach. I am the fittest, healthiest and happiest I have ever been. And now when I'm stressed, angry, upset I turn to the gym instead of turning to food.

I'm at a stage now that I know if I have a setback and can't train for an extended period that I will be ok because my nutrition is fairly spot on and if I do treat myself I know when to stop and not to overindulge. I have worked really hard to get to this point and I'm not willing to give it up so easily.

Hopefully my weight loss journey is able to inspire others and reaffirm to those doubting themselves, that yes it is achievable. I won't lie it is hard work and at times very challenging but once you're in the right mind set and committed to the journey it is definitely worth it and the end results speak for themselves.

Perfect snack

I've found the perfect accompaniment to a cup of herbal tea. Love my tea but sometimes it looks so lonely sitting there without a snack to go with it. A friend made one of the Easter recipes I blogged the other day. To make sure she didn't go overboard with the quantity she made them into mini cupcake molds. Such a good idea. Here's my attempt at them pictured above.

Instead of putting the raspberries in the mixture I just put one on top. Also I forego the rice malt syrup in the recipe for some good quality Stevia (not from the supermarket) Yum! Also a perfect snack if your doing nutritional ketosis. Lots of good fat. Oh, I also used carob in mine instead of cacao. Tastes a bit sweeter. Anyhow here's the recipe again for easy reference. Recipe is from Sarah Wilson's blog. Check it out here.
http://www.sarahwilson.com.au/2013/03/11-sugar-free-easter-tricks/#more-5832

Raspberry Ripple

1/3 - 1/2 cup coconut oil
1/3 cup organic salted butter
2 tbls raw cacao or cocoa
1 tbls rice malt syrup
1/3 cup coconut , shredded or flakes
1/3 cup of frozen raspberries

Melt the butter and oil (in a pan or microwave) stir in the cacao and syrup. Arrange the berries and coconut in the moulds. Pour the coconut oil mixture over the top and pop in the fridge for an hour or the freezer for 2o minutes, Serve direct from the fridge or freezer.

I love chocolate and I love burning fat and now I really can enjoy both! How tops is that!

The Stats are in!

Found this draft that I never blogged...interesting to look back. It was drafted at about 4 months post partum. I suppose my proposed training plan did stick. I kept adapting my training throughout though, depending on what I had going on and how I felt energy wise. I also had to consider how my body was holding up. I've had good days, really shit days and everything in between and I'm still having them. The important thing I found is to just KEEP GOING! Training is always going to be a work in progress. Rarely have I met anyone who is happy with where they're at with training. Actually I never have. Then that's half the fun of it isn't it, to keep striving to be better everyday.



...Well the stats are in and there's no hiding from the facts!! It's all there in black and white. Well, for the past 16 weeks I've been mucking around in the gym, just going through the motions really with no real sense of direction or reasoning....that's not how I roll as a rule. I need a solid reason to be able to focus and get the results I need. I know myself well enough to know that unless I want something bad enough I tend to lose interest and my attention dwindles and I'll end up going and finding myself another hobby...at the moment the closest thing would be a hobby of walking to the fridge and mindlessly grabbing myself another block of chocolate. Hey I'm truthful if nothing else :)

I have found to hard to focus and thought to begin with it was just baby brain... a phenomena I once thought was bull shit.  I think it's true now. It seems to be that your mind can't fully focus on one thing as it's thinking of everything all at once. The baby thats crying etc etc weird stuff

Anyhow here is my body composition scan at 6 weeks post baby.

I sure put on more body fat than I anticipated. I put on 9% body fat. Uh -oh!!

Got to have a plan!

The plan is to dedicate three days a week to strength training, with focus on volume. So, for example: 10 sets of 10 reps (or similar  that gets the high volume in) using one main muscle group with additional assistance exercises (small muscle groups) in order to build endurance back up...oh and also heavy enough to illicit a response. I know it's heavy enough when I hear myself roar haha

The magic will be in finding a balance in strength training and increasing my metabolic conditioning.

Three separate days will be for building my metabolic conditioning, you know the sweaty stuff that leaves you panting. These will be Crossfit style. Will also work on my olympic lifting technique when time permits.

Lastly whenever I have the chance I will incorporate anything cardio based in an aim to shed some kilos. Also plan to do some hill repast on a hill local to me. Only once a week or even fortnightly. Used to smash me even when I was at my peak of fitness. And that my friends should keep me busy!!! Feeling positive about the plan though as I've finally able to get the head space to have some focus. Sleeping more hours in a row...thank god!

Sarah Wilson you save my life again...haha

Sarah Wilson you've saved my life again! haha Love these sugar free healthy alternatives for an Easter treat. Yummo! There's no missing out on these special occasions if you do your research first.

Found these recipes on Sarah Wilson's blog. She's awesome. Check it out. Will have to try some of these out myself.

http://www.sarahwilson.com.au/2013/03/11-sugar-free-easter-tricks/#more-5832

All of the recipes below are from her blog. 

Raspberry Ripple

1/3 - 1/2 cup coconut oil
1/3 cup organic salted butter
2 tbls raw cacao or cocoa
1 tbls rice malt syrup1/3 cup coconut , shredded or flakes
1/3 cup of frozen raspberries

Melt the butter and oil (in a pan or microwave) stir in the cacao and syrup. Arrange the berries and coconut in the moulds. Pour the coconut oil mixture over the top and pop in the fridge for an hour or the freezer for 2o minutes, Serve direct from the fridge or freezer.


15 tips for easter
 1. Easy egg treats: mix 5 tablespoons of coconut oil (melted) with 3 tablespoons of raw cacao powder (more or less depending on taste) and 3 tablespoons of hazlenut meal and pour into Easter egg moulds (the kind that come as a tray of indented shapes), or mini cupcake patties (the ones used for making chocolates). Place in fridge for an hour.

2. How about this…how to make an egg love heart. Oh my. Serve on Easter morning for “they’ll never know all the other kids are having chocolate confection” fun.

3. What about some lemon poppy seed bunny cookies?

lemon poppy seed bunny cookies

I found this recipe on Elana’s Pantry, a gluten-free blog. Simply swap the agave for 2 tablespoons of rice malt syrup.

• 1 ¾ cup blanched almond flour
• pinch celtic sea salt
• 2 tablespoons grapeseed [or olive or macadamia - Sarah] oil
• 2 tablespoons agave nectar
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 1 tablespoon lemon zest (packed)
• 1 tablespoon poppy seeds

In a large bowl combine almond flour and salt. In a smaller bowl combine oil, agave, vanilla and lemon zest.
Stir wet ingredients into dry, then work in poppy seeds. Roll dough out to ¼ inch thick.
Cut out little bunnies with a bunny cookie cutter. Bake at 180 C for 6-8 minutes, until golden brown around the edges

4. Make up the avocado chocolate mouuse from my ebook. So healthy. So chocolate-y.

5. Better still, serve it in an empty eggshell. My e-friend Aran at CanelleVanille did it recently with a custard. Clever egg that she is. (I’d suggest using a pastry bag or ziplock back with the corner snipped to do this.)

6. Whip up a batch of my chocolate nutballs. Simple. And a great recipe to let the kids make.

For just some plain old chocolate ideas, while I’m here:

7. If you live in the US, you might like these Dr Mercola bars.

8. David Gillespie has great chocolate ice cream and chocolate gelato recipes in The Sweet Poison Quit Plan. Just saying.

9. Good news

I found chocolate bars from Plamil Foods…organic chocolate sweetened with rice malt sugar, containing 3.8g sugar per 100g. The ingredients in this organic bar: Cocoa Mass, Cocoa Butter, Dehydrated Rice Syrup, Soya flour, Emulsifier : Sunflower Lecithin. You can buy them online from Vegan Perfection.

10. I’m also a big fan of Jemma’s Naked Treaties chocolates. Jemma’s Superfood Truffle and coconut bar are sweetened, but only minimally. Jemma handmakes them using 100% raw products. And blesses her ingredients each morning before she starts “cooking”. She tells me each ball contains one gram of fructose (I’m guessing less than 1/3 tsp of sugar). You can buy them direct from her shop in Byron, at a stack of outlets around the country.

11. Turn your muffin pan upside down, and bake biscuit or pastry dough (sweetened with stevia or other) over the top and  bowl for the avocado chocolate mousse, or David’s or sugar-free ice-cream above. Easter-ish I think. But even more so if you used a madeleine pan…a very egg-ish shape, no? (I found this here)

12. This is a simple series of videos for making and painting Easter egg shells.

13. And Martha Stewart gives the Easter craft thing a go here.

14. And what about hot cross buns?!

Here’s a recipe for you. Use Xylitol or replace with stevia granules (try Natvia) and omit the raisins and put in some “sweet nuts” like macadamias or pecans chopped up.  To be honest, I haven’t made these. You’d be on your own with this one! So report back.

• 3/4 cup gluten free plain flour
• 3/4 cup buckwheat flour
• 1/3 cup potato starch
• 2 teaspoons guar gum gluten free
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• pinch ground clove
• 1 tablespoon dry yeast

Egg mixture

• 2 eggs
• 3/4 cup coconut milk
• 3 tablespoons xylitol
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• zest of 1 orange and 1 lemon, finely grated
• 1 cup raisins

Egg glaze

• 1 egg
• 1 tablespoon water (beat together well)

Icing

• 1/2 cup xylitol
• 1/2 cup guar gum

Preheat oven to 180 C. Sift flours and spices into a bowl. Mix in yeast.

In a second bowl, beat eggs, xylitol, coconut milk, oil and zest. Add egg mixture to dry ingredients and beat well until combined.

Fold in raisins. Divide mixture into 8 – 1o buns. Place dough on silicon lined tray. Set aside in warm place for an hour to let buns rise.

Press a chopstick into the top of each bun to form a cross. This creates a gulley for the icing to remain in place. Brush with egg glaze and bake for 20 minutes.

Cool on a wire rack.

Grind xylitol to a fine powder with mortar and pestle. Add 1/2 teaspoon guar gum and 1 teaspoon coconut milk.

Work until smooth and transfer to piping bag. Pipe across the buns.

15. And if you’re after sugar free, gluten free and vegan hot cross buns…you’re in luck. Trythis recipe. Again, replace the honey with rice malt syrup.

I sincerely hope this paves a path for you. Please be sure to add your ideas below, if you have them. Or post blog links so others can check out your recipes/ideas on your site!

Body composition progress at 12 months

So, time to take a look at my progress. The key, I've always found is to set goals, test and measure your  or success or failure, then evaluate the next step forward.

Below is the results of the body composition scan I had done at 6 weeks post partum. I was at 30.7% body fat. Goal was to lose 8-10kg of body fat. A big ask but I was confident I could do it.









...and this is the most recent one below, almost exactly 12 months later. To summarise I've lost 10kg of body fat or 9% total! Yippee! I also lost 13kg total weight. But I've also lost about 3 kg of muscle mass which isn't great. Muscle is way too hard to gain. Interestingly my muscle mass is almost the same as the scan I had done 2 years ago when I was the same fat percentage and weight so maybe it is not cause for concern. Maybe it's all just levelling itself out. I do know that when you carry a baby for 9 months all your support i.e. legs etc obtain more muscle. That could explain the gain of muscle at the 6 weeks post scan. The muscle loss could possibly be due to my recent nutrition. I've been trialling nutritional ketosis. Perhaps the loss of muscle mass can be explained through the effects my nutrition is having. It could be due to my lack of recovery/ replenishing after training. So I've decided to test and measure. I've pre booked in for another scan in 3 months time on 5th June.




I have been trialling nutritional ketosis on and off over the last 3 months or so to see whether it works for me as an individual. If your from my gym you'll probably be familiar with the term ketosis as a few of us are also experimenting and have all had good results. No two of us are alike so it makes sense that no two of us will have the same results doing the same thing . Ketosis definitely has it's advantages and I also think that it is unrivalled through it ability to burn your fat stores quickly and efficiently and has done so for me. What I'm interested in now is whether or not it will work for me in line with my current goals.

The way I really kick started my weight loss was through a herbal cleanse. I adhered to the cleanse strictly for 11 weeks, never deviating at all from the guidelines. It was tough but worth it, plus I felt great after it and the bonus was that I lost 9kg. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. True that.

Mu curent goals are to lose 2-3% body fat in 3 months (so by the next scheduled scan). This is desired purely from a performance point of view. Hopefully being just under 20% body fat will make body weighted movements easier and more efficient. Of course I want to get stronger and I'm also chasing a 120kg back squat. I can't do this if I continue to lose muscle. I'm interested in how ketosis will stand up with the demands I'm putting on it. My goal is to be able to move more load faster and I need to be fuelling my body so it can do so.

I also have to be aware that there are a lot of other factors that can influence the next few months. I have to take into account the amount of sleep I get or lack there of, stress levels, hydration etc and all the elements that are associated with everyday life, especially with having a demanding 1 year old. But hey I love a challenge :) and I'm also determined not to let myself off the hook so to speak. Everyone has certain hurdles to face day to day. My life is no different. It's neither easier or harder for me to commit myself to this than it is for you. It all comes down to how badly you want it. So many times over the past 12 months I could of given in and let myself listen to the excuses that were there in the back of my mind. We all have them, right there threatening our success. You are stronger and more capable then you realise. Don't forget that, EVER!!!




My trainer Shane Richards recently did a pod cast about the subject of nutritional ketosis. Do yourself a favour and have a listen. He knows some stuff :)

http://www.180nutrition.com.au/2013/03/20/can-we-thrive-without-carbs/


Another great source of information is on Jimmy Moore's blog. He's just a regular guy that's doing his own experiment on ketosis. Interesting reading.

http://livinlavidalowcarb.com/blog/n1


A great book on the subject is

The Art and Science of Low Carbohydrate Living 
by Jeff S. Volek, PhD, RD and Stephen D. Phinney, MD, PhD

Below is an extract from his book. I'll let him explain ketosis...
Taken from Chapter 1
Defining 'Nutritional Ketosis'

The second way to define "low carbohydrate" is physiologic – specifically that level below which there is a fundamental shift in your body's fuel homeostasis (i.e., energy regulation) away form glucose as a primary fuel. This shift is the adaptation of the body's hormonal set and inter- organ fuel exchange to allow most of your daily needs to be met by fat, either directly as fatty acids, or indirectly by ketone bodies made from fat. This process, …, begins for most adults when total carbohydrate is restricted to less than 60 grams per day along with a moderate intake of protein. After a few weeks at this level, the primary serum 'ketone' (beta-hydroxybutyrate or B_OHB) rises above 0.5 millimolar (mM). At this ketone level, which is ten-fold higher than that in someone with a daily intake of 300 grams of carbohydrate, their brain begins to derive a substantial portion of its energy needs from B-OHB, resulting in a commensurate reduced need for glucose.

With further restriction of carbohydrate below 50 grams per day, the serum B-OHB rises in response to reduced insulin secretion. However, because dietary protein prompts some insulin release, and serum B-OHB itself stimulated insulin release by the pancreas, (albeit subtly), adults eating 20 grams of carbohydrate and 75-150 grams per day of protein rarely run serum above 3 mM. …

This 10-fold range of serum ketones, from 0.5 to 5 mM, is your body's normal physiological response to varying degrees of dietary carbohydrate and protein restriction. This response rate is called 'nutritional ketosis', and is associated with metabolic adaptations allowing your body to maintain a stable stare of inter-organ homeostasis. This process is dependent on an adequate, albeit minimal, ability of the pancreas to produce insulin in response to dietary protein and serum ketones, thus maintaining serum B-OHB in the range where it replaces much of your body's (and your brain's) need for glucose without distorting whole-body acid-base balance.

Taken from Chapter 13
Ketones-To Measure or Not

As noted in Chapter 1, nutritional ketosis is defined by serum ketones ranging from 0.5 up to 5 mM, depending on the amounts of dietary carbohydrate and protein consumed. In most people, the combined intake of 100 grams of carbohydrate and 100 grams of protein with drive serum well below 0.5 mM. While there is nothing magical about having circulating ketones above this threshold level, it does have the practical value of providing he brain with a virtually limitless, fat-derived fuel source. This alternative fuel is eminently more sustainable, particularly in the insulin resistant or carbohydrate intolerant individual.

Within a few days of starting on our carbohydrate restriction, most people begin excreting ketones in their urine. This occurs before serum have risen to their stable adaptive level….

Meanwhile, the body is undergoing a complex set of adaptations in ketone metabolism. ….

… Over time the urine ketone excretion drops off, …. 

These temporal changes in how the kidneys handle ketones make urine testing a rather uncertain if not undependable way of monitoring dietary response/adherence. Testing serum for beta-hydroxybutyrate is much more accurate but requires drawing blood, and it is expensive because it is not a routine tests doctors normally order.
…
… the key question is why do it? Many people are able to initiate and follow a low carbohydrate diet just fine without ever measuring ketones. Others, however, find an objective measure of nutritional ketosis to be reassuring. … 

Taken from inset in Chapter 16
Human Protein Tolerance
…
As a result of these observations, plus our studies of muscle retention and function during carbohydrate restriction, we recommend daily protein intakes between 1.5 and 2.5 gram per day per kg of reference weight. For a person on weight maintaining low carbohydrate diet, this typically translates to somewhere between 15% and 25% of your daily energy coming from protein. 

Always do your own research when it comes to anything to do with your health. I don't profess to being a nutritionist and always suggest that you do your own experiment if you will. Find out what works for you. Sometimes It's about fine tuning and tweaking until it fits you. That's half the fun! Happy tweaking :)

It becomes art, if you let it.

What I know is this: there will be a gift eventually. Whether it comes in the form of you comforting another. Whether it comes in some art you make from it, because your pain is so deep, and that, my love, is what happens to pain transformed. It becomes art. if you let it.- Jennifer Pastiloff

In my body first

Funny how it comes about this feeling. I can be walking down the street, or buying a coffee, or even doing the dishes and I feel it. Sometimes even the smell of you on another walking past is enough to do it. It becomes me. I feel it in my body first, then it pierces my heart. Always in my body first. The mind cannot be trusted. The mind will tell you it has forgotten, while the body, the body will never lie. I want to drop to my knees and pray. Right in that very spot.

What would life be if the body never remembered. Just another day of coffee, weather, waking up and going to sleep. It would be cheating me of the memory of you, robbing me of the beauty that was. I want to thank you for giving me these snapshots of my life. Thank you for allowing this rewind of time for a fleeting moment.

I can't recall our last words. I try and try but I can't remember. I can't remember all the details of all those stories you told me which I thought were oh so irrelevant at the time. I wish I had a tape recorder in my mind so I could replay the sound of your voice.

I wish I could keep the smell of you alive. I have you all sealed up in a zip lock bag in my room. Your fabric jewellery case that smells of you. I open it up and I have you for another moment. Memories of love. A mix of musk, lavender and love. I try not to open that bag too often for fear that your smell will fade. It's my special treat that bag.

They are all just wishes really. There's no going back. Never. That's the hard part. There's no paying more attention to the little things we shared. There's no stilling the moment. It's a moment that's here and then its gone. Too late to say the things I should of said, too late all of it.

So when this feeling threatens to bowl me over when I'm walking down the street next, I'll try to accept it. It's after all my body trying to remember my life, trying to capture that feeling, encasing it in a part of my body forever. When I think that time should play a part in numbing the effect I'll know that I'm wrong, for time is nothing. It's love that's endless :)

Falling back in love...

I have a guilty secret...
I've been hiding it from you all for a while now.
My secret is that I've fallen out of love.
I've fallen out of love with my training.
There I said it.
No matter what I do, or how hard I try I just can't conjure up the feeling that I used to get when I train. I'm devastated by this. Does this mean we'll break up eventually or should I keep investing like people do in a broken relationship. Is it doomed?

So many times I've seriously considered joining a mothers group and having coffee and banana bread day in and day out. Sometimes the thought of working up a sweat repulses me. Sometimes I have to drag my lazy arse to the gym cause I know it's what I should do but a lot of the time it's not what I want to do. Shame on me. Shame shame!

Should I keep at it in the hope that the love will once again blossom? Is that what people do? Like people that stay in unhappy relationships in the hope that something will change? I can't imagine not training. Not only do I train with some of my best friends but I train at the best gym ever. It would leave a huge gap in my life. I suppose I'm not considering quitting I'm just really feeling this lull.

I feel like a traitor. Like an imposter in my gym. I look around and see all these people loving what they are doing and I feel like I've somehow gone to sleep and woken up in this strange place where I used to reside happily. Feel like I've had a micro sleep and somehow the world has turned itself upside down. I keep turning up and going through the motions but the feeling, the passion that I had is still not back. I have a lot of guilt about this. I'm a trainer. I'm supposed to be brimming with energy and enthusiasm and inspiring others to do the same. Instead part of me looks on with envy at all of you revelling in it. The love of seeing people achieve their goals is still there but I've lost mine.  Damn that micro sleep!!

Still I plan to show up everyday because that's what I do and what I've done for a long time now and partly because I won't give up on you. You being me or my alter ego. I remember that feeling so well, the feeling that I so long for again, and I think is worth fighting for. I'm not ready to give up on you, not yet.

I needed to talk about it. Today, I am admitting my falling-out-of-lovedness. Once I got it out in the open and stopped being ashamed about it, I knew I'd feel better. It's been like a badge of Dis-Honor I am wearing on my heart. Once I talked about it and wrote about it here, I'd feel more human.

So see you all In the gym real soon. Keep on having fun all and keep on reminding me of what it feels like to have the passion in your grasp. I need to be reminded of it. I trust I will get back there. I have to. It's what life is made up of.  So thank you for delivering me into that feeling of envy again.  As long as I still have that feeling from time to time then there is hope.