Myth 3 debunked! 98% of women can successfully breastfeed...

Bullshit! I found that statistic from the Australian Breast-feeding Association and I beg to differ. I have no real statistics of my own to support my claim and I suppose I come from an emotional stand point currently, but I have met too many people experiencing the same issue as me for this percentage to be real. Speaking with other people in the same situation, and hearing there struggles is what has inspired me to write this post. If someone reads this and feels less alone, less like they are the only one out there, then my job here is done. I suppose it's also a bit cathartic for me too.

My issue is low milk supply...never thought that breast feeding would be such an issue for me and prior to having Jetta never really gave much thought to the whole thing. People would ask me if I was going to breastfeed and I'd say 'yeh probably' thinking it was something that would be easy. Wrong!

I discovered the supply issue on about day 3 in hospital after giving birth as she was very unsettled. She had lost more than 10% of her birth weight so I was advised to comp (top up) her with formula. I was reluctant to do this but every time she cried my heart would break. The more stressed and tired I got the worst the situation seemed to get. By Saturday (Day 6) I was delirious from lack of sleep and did what I could to get some sleep.

I asked myself so many questions as to why this was happening to me. Every midwife on all the different shifts had different advice on what I should do. How confusing. This issue seems to be sucking all of the joy that I should of been feeling from having this beautiful little girl in my arms but instead I felt over whelmed. I felt scared that I couldn't console her...a mother is supposed to be able to comfort her child and breastfeeding is such a natural way to do that. What happens now I didn't have that tool. Would I just like any other person to her with no real reason to be...just another person trying to rock her to sleep. Would we have no special bond if I couldn't offer her my breast. Why did I have to think about all of this.

So what we have had to do is comp feed her at every feed, that is breastfeed first then offer her a bottle of formula which she sucks down like there no tomorrow. Drives a steak through my heart very time. Every time she cries whilst feeding is another knife through my heart. I never thought it would be like this. I have such guilt that I have to give her crappy formula. I liken it to me eating organic food and then giving her an inferior product. Every time I have to feed her formula in public I feel ashamed. The eyes staring at me accusingly are I'm sure just in my head, but they are there as they exist in my head. I'm not mother enough to be able to provide for my baby and she's just so little, she has no say in the matter. She has no option as to her nutritional start in life.

I treasure the time that we do breastfeed. It might not last for much longer as she may eventually lose interest and only take a bottle. I gaze down at her on my breast and I feel an overwhelming sense of love for her and I try to will my milk to her, I will it to flow in abundance. I lean down and I whisper to her that I'm sorry that I can't provide for her but promise to give her everything else that I possible can. Love, endless cuddles, ponies haha! She looks up at me her little mouth full of milk with that milk drunk look and I pretend just for a moment that its enough, that I'm enough, and I try to soak up this moment and lock it away in my memory where I'll keep it forever.

It's hard not to think about all the years that I've nourished my body with good nutrition and movement and wonder what it has done for me? It's failed me on the most important job it can do. It's failed to nourish my baby and give her the best start in life, but I know I can't think like that. My training is what has saved my sanity over and over again...it's just frustrating. Yes maybe I'm giving myself a hard time and of course some days are worse than others, but somehow nothing anyone says consoles me. Yes, I know that I've done all that I can and I'm trying not to feel guilt. A work in progress. It's all a work in progress...